Guardo il cielo e ti cerco tra le stelle, cerco tra le ombre la tua immagine perduta.
Disegno il tuo viso nelle nuvole che vedo passare, viaggiando senza meta precisa,
e lasciandomi guidare dalla luna, le domando:
E subito il mio petto si agita dandomi la risposta assieme ad una lacrima che scende e che di nuovo mi fa comprendere: non sei qui, resti nel mio cuore.
(LONELY DAY-SYSTEM OF A DOWN)
For years I lived with a broken heart.
This feeling is perhaps difficult to explain, bringing with it a multitude of thoughts and questions, to which I have never wanted, until now, to give an answer.
Now that I find out you’ve been gone a long time, the questions come up that haunt me and capture my mind.
Pinches of anxiety come to light, crying, sadness and anguish.
During all this time, when I couldn’t live with you, I worked very hard to spend my everyday life, trying to forget your laughter, your look, your face, your gestures.
And today I realize that time has not completely erased your memory.
Perhaps you will not be in my mind as a faithful photograph, and I strive to recall, without success, the sound of your voice.
But something sure, indelible, imperishable exists and endures in me: the shocking, trepidating and unique emotion that I lived with you alone.
Remember when we first met?
No, not the usual knowledge, but something alive, sparkling, attractive.
The heart begins to dance frantically, already in the pleasure of waiting, until it explodes at the moment of presence.
A constant challenge between us, but not as others might think.
Dialogue, confrontation, laughter, interesting, profound and meaningful conversations, but also playful, dull and read.
Dreams of castles, princes and princesses imprisoned in the towers.
Problems of daily life, work.
And music, lots of music…
Always open and painfully sincere.
Remember what our day of happiness was supposed to be?
When were we supposed to “close the circle”?
From light to darkness…
It’s all over because of me.
Believe me, that day, and for all the days to come, there was no longer real light for me, only artificial light.
I had to do that.
I couldn’t destroy their certainties.
I couldn’t be the cause of a pain I never wanted to receive.
Do you remember your tears and prayers?
Do you remember my tears and my intransigence?
Since then, on every day of my life, I am haunted by a simple and at the same time terrifying question: IF…
If I hadn’t been a victim of past suffering that day.
If I hadn’t been carried away by my own principles that day, inculcated from a lifetime.
If that day… simply if that blessed day, I had not been afraid to face another chaos in my life just settled.
And you, have you ever wondered what your life would be like if you made different choices?
If you had tried to realize a dream, despite the fear of the uncertain and difficult future?
Or maybe they’re called dreams because they stay in the drawer?
Have you ever been confused as to the direction to take for your future, where projects are confused with dreams, dreams with passion, transgressions with the desire to see returned to us what was taken from us, until the call of harsh reality appears, made of concreteness, duties, needs and other people to give account to?
However, you have to be a hero, whatever the choice.
Heroes, if you want to challenge reality, overturning rules, becoming a bit selfish.
Heroes, if you want to be acquiescent, to comply and remain in the muffled security of mediocrity.
And now you’re gone.
I know that, however, I would have remained faithful to my decision: I would not have liked to meet, touch, listen..
But I would have believed that I could do it at any time if I had the courage to do it.
Instead, you continue to remain in my heart, with all the magic, fleeting and unfulfilled moments, lived to imagine how it could have been and nothing and no one will ever take them away, not even time.
Time that does not heal everything, but without doubt, adding experiences to my journey, will also add distance, between the dreamy past and the painful present.
In addition to the wonderful awareness that…” it is not a farewell, but only a goodbye…”